Who doesn’t enjoy a good laugh? And we all know that ‘laughter is the best medicine’. Sometimes unlikely things bring a smile to our faces like the wording on the back of a bus that said: ‘Love is Life; Life is Damage’. Or if you have travelled on the hill roads of India, you will come across witty sayings painted on the sides of the hills that might ask the driver to ‘Go slow on my curves’. So, to celebrate April 1, here’s a compilation of humour to put.
>> A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role. “Well,” he replied, “the pay is good and the hours aren’t bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong.”
>> The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee urn and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike. When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humour?” “My sense of humour is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh. I’m quitting tomorrow.”
>> Faced with hard times, a company offered a bonus of Rs 10,000 to any employee who could come up with a way of saving money. The bonus went to a young woman in accounting who suggested limiting future bonuses to Rs 1,000.
>> On her way back into the movie from the snacks stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?” Expecting an apology, the man said, “Indeed you did.” Julie nodded, and noted, “Oh good. Then this is my row.”
>> A man takes his seat in the theatre, but he is too far from the screen. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a big tip.” The usher moves him into the front row, and the man rewards him with a measly rupee. The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, “The wife did it.”
>> A taxpayer received a strongly worded ‘second notice’ that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector’s office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. “Oh,” confided the collector with a smile, “we don’t send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective.”
>> Joe was looking quite depressed. “What’s the matter?” his friend asked. “My wife and I got into a fight,” explained Joe, “and she said she isn’t talking to me for a whole week.” “But, isn’t it kind of a good thing that she isn’t taking to you?” asked his friend. “Yeah, except today is the last night.”
>> Dave was sound asleep when his wife nudged him. “The phone’s ringing,” she said. “At this hour it must be for you.” Dave rolled out of bed and tramped downstairs. A moment later he climbed back into bed and shook his dozing wife. “It wasn’t for me, after all,” he said. His wife crawled out of bed, pulled on her robe, and was at the door when he mumbled into his pillow, “It was a wrong number.”
>> A woman walked into a store to return a pair of eyeglasses she had purchased for her husband a week before. “What seems to be the problem, madam?” “I’m returning these glasses I bought for my husband. He’s still not seeing things my way.”
>> A young lady visited a dating service and requested, “I’m looking for a suitable one?” The matchmaker said, “What exactly are you looking for?” “Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest.” The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman. The results read, “Buy a television.”
>> It turned out that the newly married wife was not a tidy housekeeper. It didn’t bother her much until one evening when her husband called from the hall, somewhat dismayed: “Honey, what happened to the dust on this table? I had a phone number written on it.”
>> A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school: “If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I’ll promise not to believe everything he says happens at home.”
>> A professor of psychology at a British university included a lecture on crowed psychology in his annual course. To illustrate mass hysteria, he regularly showed TV news footage of teenage crowds TV news footage of teenage crowds greeting the Beatles at the local airport in the 1960’s. One year, when he ran the footage, he heard squeals and bursts of laughter from his students. When the film ended he asked what had caused the hilarity. Replied one student, “We recognised some of our parents!”
>> The teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She said, “…and so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said ‘Pardon me, sir, but might I have some of that straw to build my house with?” Then the teacher asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?” One boy raised his hand and said, “I know! I know! He said, ‘Holy smokes! A talking pig!”
>> A beautiful, sexy, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy on a plane. She said to him, “Can you help me remove something from my breasts, please?” The excited young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure. So, what is it?” Your eyes, idiot!”
>> An Asian lady married an English gentleman and moved to London. The lady was not proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day she went to the butcher for pork legs. She didn’t know how ask for it, so lifted her skit and showed her thighs. She got the pork legs. Next day she needed chicken breasts. Again she didn’t know what to say, so unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The third day, the poor lady wanted to buy sausages. So, she brought her husband to the store … because he spoke English.
>> A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, “I love you.” The husband says, “Is that you or the wine talking?” The wife replies, “It’s me, taking to the wine.”
